You can't hide from reality

It is 3:30 am and needless to say I can not sleep. As I look back through my past posts I can hear the knocks of depression banging loudly. Self- hate and shame have once again taken root. My chest hurts and it is difficult to breathe as I rack my brain around why I keep falling into old patterns. 

God has been doing great things in my life and yet I find myself having a hard time accepting them because I feel so much self-hatred. 

I've learned that the first step in any healing process is to start with the truth. So here I am accepting the truth that I am officially heavier than I have ever been in my life. 305 pounds. I look in the mirror and I hate who I see. I want to know why I struggle with food!? It should be so simple as eat this not that, but I am screaming it is not! I've been trying so hard to overcome this battle but I can never seem to win. I've tried many strategies and they end up failing. I am terrified! 

For tonight, I am holding on to hope.